recently ii was asked to write about "my initial seeing". at first ii thought that is it, it's time to do it, to write it down. so ii went, created a file called wakingupthegodexperience.txt and started writing this:
ii was standing on the top of a very, very high mountain, looking down and into the distance. seeing very, very gigantic buildings up against another mountain-set. ii felt scared and ii could not really tell where exactly the fear was coming from, ii could not point at the source of it, ii thought it might be from the height, but that did not seem valid, because of some concrete rocks in front of me, which were preventing any kind of slipping into the abyss. ii woke up still feeling that great fear. as if ii know ii should not fear anything, but this knowing is unable to prevent fear from arising.
later this day ii was asked on "facebook" to share "my initial seeing experience". and ii was immediately reminded of this dream of fear. suddenly ii knew the dream was prophetic. my fear of sharing "my initial experience" with the world is indeed great. it has been years and ii haven't tried to write it down, yet. ii am afraid ii will ruin it by converting it into thoughts. if ii do it today, ii have to do it properly. to come up with words to describe the not-describable is a task marked with #fail from the start, so ii feel.
anyway, even if ii fail at transmitting the enlightening sharpness of "my initial experience", it may be at least fun to read before going back to sleep. by describing such an "awakening experience" ii will have to give up the transpersonal insight and wrap the ineffable into gift paper. ii will have to claim the experience, become a viewpoint, an ego, a separated observer. so in essence this is the killing of the experience. the words describing the experience lock it down into another experience, and that is not what was experienced, as you will read, you will form another experience, your own.
so ii am writing this down for entertainment purposes, this story can only entertain, the truth can not be told, as it is told it becomes a lie. truth can only be experienced by yourself, and you are the only authority on what is true and what not.
while typing, various "events" happened, like children crying, mother loosing temper... pretty normal "stuff" which happens when god is doing something "wrong". ii trust my dreams usually and it became obvious to me, that this "writeup" can not happen, at least not yet. so ii stopped. immediately, the kids went back to "normal", happy&playing state, conflicts resolved as a miracle. ii went out of the House Of Love and into the Esoteric Garage. stopping thoughts, cutting them in half as they appear. ii grabbed a piece of wood, that was waiting there for months, has grown for years and took it out into the cold, gray winter day. using my light-carving tools ii started to carve that block of light. the light-tool broke down. ii inspected it, the cable was damaged. without any kind of thinking about it, ii took the thing apart, removed the damaged cable, grabbed my multi-purpose shears and cut into a long black cable which was lying on the floor. ii wanted to remove one end from it in order to get to the wires and integrate it into the electric chainsaw light-tool.
it took only a fraction of my life, to see the sparks, to hear the strange electric surge and to "get it!", that there was voltage in the cable. ii forgot to check the cable before cutting it. it was plugged in.
ii managed to repair the light-tool and this is what came out of it.
so let me just add a very condensed and compact version of "my initial seeing" as a description of the Light Object on the image, just to dampen the curiosity:
the headless man in the moment of loosing his head, standing up and asking:
am ii really god!
then a hug and the answer: